The relationships between siblings are uniquely influenced by the actions and attitudes of their parents. Parent behaviour is a guiding force that shapes the sibling relationship and significantly impacts their interactions.

As we delve into the complex interplay of family dynamics and sibling bonds, it becomes apparent that parenting influence on brother-sister relationships is indelible.

Parent’s behaviour can either fortify or strain the connections between siblings. From modelling conflict resolution strategies to the unintentional consequences of favouritism, the impact of parental roles in sibling relationships echoes through the familial landscape, shaping the emotional terrain upon which sibling relationships are built.

 By understanding parental behaviour’s profound role in shaping these relationships, we aim to shed light on the potential for fostering harmony, mutual support, and lasting connections among siblings within the family unit.

Here are several ways in which a parent’s behaviour can shape sibling relationships:

•  Conflict resolution among siblings
  Don’t get involved when kids argue unless there is a danger of physical harm. When parents interfere in sibling arguments, there is always a risk of creating other problems. Your children may start relying on you to rescue themselves from the conflict and need to learn to work on conflict resolution independently.

Sometimes, though not intentionally, parents may end up protecting one child and make the other one feel resentful. And the ‘protected’ child may think they can get away with anything. In case a situation arises and it becomes imperative for you to get involved, help the kids to resolve their issues. Refrain from fixing the problem for them.

•  Do Not Compare Your Kids:
  Comparison can be manifested directly or indirectly. Either way, it has the potential to sow seeds of sibling rivalry. Parents should be careful and avoid saying things like, “Why can’t you listen as your sister does?” or “Your sister never argued with me.” Comparison can also impact children’s self-esteem and create life-long insecurities.  Comparison can create unhealthy family dynamics and sibling bonds. It can lead to animosity between you and your children and also between your children.
• Parental favouritism and sibling rivalry
  Many parents do favour one child over another. According to one study, 74% of moms and 70% of dads reported that they did give preferential treatment to one child over another.  Parental favouritism can manifest in different ways – spending more time, being more affectionate, giving more privileges, and being less strict with one child over the other.

At times, parental preference is justifiable and essential. For instance, parents must prioritize care for newborns over their older children. This principle extends to children who are unwell, disabled or have special requirements. In these situations, parents often discuss unequal treatment with the other child to assure them that it’s nothing personal and more has to do with the condition.

Many parents worry that they discriminate between their kids and do not treat them equitably, even when they try hard not to.

This favouritism has nothing to do with loving one child more than the other. Instead, it’s more likely based on how your personality is more similar to one child’s personality than another. Parents understand this link but often avoid acknowledging it openly to avoid hurting the other child’s feelings. 

• Role models – What do parents do when kids fight?
  How you deal with problems and disagreements sets a strong example for kids. Do you and your partner respectfully resolve conflicts? Or do you shout, slam doors, and loudly argue when you have problems? Your children will model the same behaviour as you do when they run into issues with one another.

What To Do When Kids Fight?  

 Sometimes, you might need to get involved when your kids fight. We listed down some pointers to consider when doing so.

• Separate kids until they calm down. Allow them their space for a little while, which will douse the conflict. If you want to talk about it, wait until the emotions tone down.

• Try not to focus on figuring out who is to blame. Remember, a clap is possible only when there are two hands.

• Try to create a win–win situation so each child gains something. For example, when they both want the same toy, they try to find a game they can play together instead.

• If you’re concerned by the language used or name-calling, it’s essential to ‘correct’ kids then and there. Please encourage them to talk about what they’re feeling by using appropriate words.

• Try to identify the cause of the fighting. This will help you to find out the best thing to do. For example, if a child has pushed a sibling and taken their toy, you must step in. If you don’t, the child learns that fighting is a way to get what you want.

• Try to keep your temper cool. This might become difficult, but it is necessary. If you don’t, it will make things worse.

 Understanding that children’s needs, concerns, and identities evolve as they grow is crucial. These changes significantly impact their interactions with siblings. For instance, toddlers fiercely guard their belongings and assert themselves frequently. If an older sibling takes a toy, the toddler might react negatively. School-age kids often emphasize fairness, struggling to grasp why siblings of various ages receive different treatment or seemingly get preferential treatment. Teens, exploring independence, might resist household chores, caring for younger siblings, or spending time together. These shifts profoundly influence how children engage in conflicts with their siblings.

How Can You Help Your Kids Get Along?  

Set up rules for acceptable behaviour. Tell the kids that physically fighting, cursing, name-calling, yelling, or door-slamming is prohibited. Try to get your kids involved when you decide on the rules. Also, discuss the consequences when they break those rules with them. This will teach the kids that they’re responsible for their actions, regardless of the situation or how provoked they are. It also discourages blame – games and focusing on who was “right” or “wrong.”

Help kids reason that everything cannot always be “fair” and “equal.” Sometimes, one kid may need more than the other. If your children often argue over the same things, such as who decides what to watch on the TV, schedule a separate TV time for each child.

If the arguing persists, consider removing the TV entirely. To address frequent conflicts among your school-age children, organize weekly family meetings to reinforce anti-fighting rules and celebrate previous successes in conflict reduction. Consider implementing a program where children earn points for collaborative efforts to stop fighting, leading to a fun family activity.

 Give your kids one-on-one attention and get involved. Schedule a story or reading time if another child wants to sit and read. Also, try to apply the siblings in each other’s interests.

Ensure kids have space and time to do their things, such as playing with toys alone, playing with friends without a sibling tagging along, or enjoying activities without sharing 50-50. It is important to recognize that kids will need time apart from each other and their families.

 Offer individual attention to your kids and engage in activities that match their interests and desires. For instance, if a child enjoys outdoor activities, play tennis together or visit the park. Plan separate play dates or activities for each child occasionally. While one child is on a playdate, take the opportunity to spend one-on-one time with another.

Set up plans to have fun together as a family. It can be watching a movie or playing a board game. This will help you and your kids peacefully spend time. It will allow your kids to spend time together and relate to each other.

Lastly, showing and telling your kids that your love for them is unconditional is essential. Let them know that they are safe and that you love them.

Written by Anisha Samant
Anisha holds a Masters in Counseling Psychology and is a Coach Engagement Specialist at Crispminds providing counseling for parents as well as children having psychological/emotional issues.